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Shaq is really a 12-year-old girl named Tanya

Aug 9, 2010, 1:22 PM EDT

Shaq_sitting.jpgIt’s like a scene out of an unrealistic television cop drama (unrealistic like having four CSI employees working on your case, as opposed to one CSI working on 50 cases).

You’re being arrested for propositioning underage girls on the Internet, and in comes a 7’1″, 300-pound, shaved head man who says he is your Tanya.

Welcome to Shaquille O’Neal’s reality, as he told Vanity Fair.

For the last seven years, I’ve been a detective for Internet crimes against children. So if you ever see me, you know we’ve got you. If we come to your house, it’s all over. You’re going to be arrested. You’ve been having Internet conversations with me, and we’ve got all the evidence we need to take you down…

I play a little girl on the Internet. So whatever name I’m going by, that will probably be my catchphrase. If I’m Tanya, then it’ll be something like, “Tanya says hello.” And they’ll be like, “Tanya who?” And I’ll say, “You don’t know no Tanya, huh? I’m Tanya. Let’s go.” And that’s when the cuffs get slapped on you.

I know it’s for a good cause, but Shaq as a 12-year-old girl creeps me out. I get it, Shaq speaks the language, he gets kids. Good for that job. Still creeps me out.

And don’t think when he is banging bodies with Dwight Howard or scrapping with the Miami Heat somebody isn’t going to be calling him Tanya.

  1. jerry - Aug 10, 2010 at 8:15 AM

    Why is a pro athlete doing this? The FBI doesn’t have people trained to do this? Shaq “speaks the language, he gets kids”, really? So cyber stalkers and pedophiles beware, because Shaq may sting you? Maybe Shaq can also work at the State Department on his spare time, or drop in when Obama’s economic advisors are meeting (actually, Shaq would be better than Larry Summers, but I digress).
    Man, this story is wrong on so many levels….

  2. beekums - Aug 10, 2010 at 10:02 AM

    Shaq is notorious for embellishing some of his stories. Remember what he claimed about him and Beyonce? He probably thinks by saying this he’s going to scare away some pervs. He’s a very very nice man according to people who know him (at least that’s what I read), but he sometimes forgets that the microphone is always on.

  3. Steve & Joanie - Aug 10, 2010 at 10:17 AM

    Kudos, Shaq! You’re a super-freakin’-hero! We wanna be like you when we grow up! Keep up the good work. We love ya!

  4. Confused - Aug 10, 2010 at 11:06 AM

    Next thing you know you get Shaq fans pretending to be sexual predators online so they can meet their idol …
    They will go ‘I don’t care about Tanya, I just wanted your autograph Shaq !!!’

  5. creeped out - Aug 10, 2010 at 5:22 PM

    Yosef: My thoughts, exactly…

  6. Julie - Aug 11, 2010 at 2:59 AM

    I just don’t get how adult men pretending to be young girls helps. An actual young girl would not say “Yeah, I want to hook up with you.” It’s not going to happen.It just seems like useless baiting. Like saying to someone “Hey,do you want this sack of $100 bills?”, then arresting them for stealing.Meanwhile the real pervs (the ones out in real life)are the ones doing the molesting. The worst is that stupid “To catch a predator” show where they are actually talking to an adult woman “posing” as an under age girl.When you think of it they are only getting arrested for how old they “thought” she was.Thought crimes remind me of the novel “1984”.

  7. Morag - Aug 11, 2010 at 11:09 AM

    There’s definitely some truth to what you say, Julie. It is common for child sexual predators to spend weeks or months working on a lonely child to convince the child to not only go farther, but that it was the child’s idea in the first place. That way the child feels responsible and is far less likely to tell anyone else what happened. This extended “seduction” process can do enormous psychological damage, and no one will catch those sickos by doing a little flirting online or with a one-time sting.
    On the other hand, there is certainly a group of adults who do prey on apparently willing kids they meet online and in other places. It’s good to catch them, too. Kids who are flirting are still kids.

  8. timsan - Sep 1, 2010 at 8:53 PM

    Shaq, when you look at everything he has done/does, is much more than an athlete. Yea, he’s got a big mouth, well developed sense of self-worth, etc., but in the end he really makes Kobe look like a twit. He’s keeping it real while Kobe’s just keeping. Kobe can’t touch him. Can’t wait for the finals next year.

  9. Ben - Sep 1, 2010 at 11:26 PM

    they pose as a girl on the internet. that’s y it works

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