Aug 9, 2010, 1:22 PM EDT
It’s like a scene out of an unrealistic television cop drama (unrealistic like having four CSI employees working on your case, as opposed to one CSI working on 50 cases).
You’re being arrested for propositioning underage girls on the Internet, and in comes a 7’1″, 300-pound, shaved head man who says he is your Tanya.
For the last seven years, I’ve been a detective for Internet crimes against children. So if you ever see me, you know we’ve got you. If we come to your house, it’s all over. You’re going to be arrested. You’ve been having Internet conversations with me, and we’ve got all the evidence we need to take you down…
I play a little girl on the Internet. So whatever name I’m going by, that will probably be my catchphrase. If I’m Tanya, then it’ll be something like, “Tanya says hello.” And they’ll be like, “Tanya who?” And I’ll say, “You don’t know no Tanya, huh? I’m Tanya. Let’s go.” And that’s when the cuffs get slapped on you.
I know it’s for a good cause, but Shaq as a 12-year-old girl creeps me out. I get it, Shaq speaks the language, he gets kids. Good for that job. Still creeps me out.
And don’t think when he is banging bodies with Dwight Howard or scrapping with the Miami Heat somebody isn’t going to be calling him Tanya.
- Report: Warriors agree to four-year, $70 million extension with Klay Thompson 6
- Can Thunder, without Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, overcome their first identity crisis? 12
- Jazz guard Alec Burks signs contract extension worth $42 million-$45 million 10
- Thursday night NBA Winners/Losers: The injury gods show Thunder no mercy 12
- No Durant, Westbrook goes down, Thunder still make it interesting but fall to Clippers 2
- Thunder’s Russell Westbrook fractures hand, likely out 4-6 weeks 10
- LeBron struggles in Cleveland debut as Knicks stun Cavaliers 46
- LeBron, Cavaliers introduced on opening night in Cleveland (VIDEO) 5