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Shaq is really a 12-year-old girl named Tanya

Aug 9, 2010, 1:22 PM EDT

Shaq_sitting.jpgIt’s like a scene out of an unrealistic television cop drama (unrealistic like having four CSI employees working on your case, as opposed to one CSI working on 50 cases).

You’re being arrested for propositioning underage girls on the Internet, and in comes a 7’1″, 300-pound, shaved head man who says he is your Tanya.

Welcome to Shaquille O’Neal’s reality, as he told Vanity Fair.

For the last seven years, I’ve been a detective for Internet crimes against children. So if you ever see me, you know we’ve got you. If we come to your house, it’s all over. You’re going to be arrested. You’ve been having Internet conversations with me, and we’ve got all the evidence we need to take you down…

I play a little girl on the Internet. So whatever name I’m going by, that will probably be my catchphrase. If I’m Tanya, then it’ll be something like, “Tanya says hello.” And they’ll be like, “Tanya who?” And I’ll say, “You don’t know no Tanya, huh? I’m Tanya. Let’s go.” And that’s when the cuffs get slapped on you.

I know it’s for a good cause, but Shaq as a 12-year-old girl creeps me out. I get it, Shaq speaks the language, he gets kids. Good for that job. Still creeps me out.

And don’t think when he is banging bodies with Dwight Howard or scrapping with the Miami Heat somebody isn’t going to be calling him Tanya.

  1. Rosie - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:16 PM

    Good for you Shaq! There’s nothing as important as getting an older man or woman preying on children. Good for you! I wish there was a partime job like that I could be doing.

  2. 88ekik - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:18 PM

    he can’t be that good – he never caught on to LT!

  3. Ed Scott - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:21 PM

    Love to see the sexual predators’ faces when Shaq comes in. Way to
    go big guy!!! Doesn’t creep me out at all!!! So excited he’s on
    the Celtic squad now!!! I’d like to see what happens whe/if someone does try to use that name. I just hope his cover isn’t blown now!!!!!

  4. Yosef - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:23 PM

    Is he working with the authorities in any way? He mentions “we”, but still… There is pretty much nothing about this that isn’t weird. Can you imagine Shaq, hunched over a computer screen, mentioning how much he likes Unicorns and telling whoever that they need to meet up so they can play My Little Pony? This post just boggles the mind.

  5. ohio - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:24 PM

    He would be way more intimidating than that skinny dorky guy, chris hansan on MSNBC/how to catch a predator, why isn’t he busting out of the closet??

  6. The Man in Charge - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:24 PM

    I agree, good for Shaq. The man is huge into law enforcement, which is way more of a productive off-the-court interest than the other 99.9999995% of NBA players.

  7. He stole my ID - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:29 PM

    I am also a 12 YO girl.
    – Chris Bosh

  8. Ben Dover - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:30 PM

    okay. i know you were making a point but what 12 year old do you know that still plays with my little pony?

  9. KY gal - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:43 PM

    Shaq has been involved with law enforcement for years.
    Here is a quote from Wikipedia:
    On March 2, 2005, O’Neal was given an honorary U.S. Deputy Marshal title and named the spokesman for the Safe Surfin’ Foundation; he served an honorary role on the task force of the same name, which tracks down sexual predators who target children on the Internet.

  10. Yosef - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:44 PM

    You’re right, I guess I should’ve consulted you since you’re obviously the expert on 12 year olds. Especially with a name like BEN DOVER.

  11. copdude - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:47 PM

    That makes Shaq closer to a real cop than those puffballs Segal and Norris

  12. Russk1981 - Aug 9, 2010 at 2:58 PM

    FYI Chuck Norris Founded and runs an Organization that saves young boys from being recruited by inter-city gangbangers and keep them off drugs. Check it out.

  13. tdog14 - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:13 PM

    That just aint right

  14. tami - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:14 PM

    Ok so he is doing well by doing this, but does he ever spend time with his own children?

  15. jmyQ - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:25 PM

    There is ! Contact your local police or Sherriff

  16. riscifiguy - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:26 PM

    Let’s hear it for the big leprechaun!

  17. Deb - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:33 PM

    Yosef that is just too funny!

  18. MMCL - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:34 PM

    I knew there was a reason that I loved this man! Go get them Shaq!!!

  19. Show Low - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:38 PM

    Even just anouncing it has probably save one or two teen agers..Good job Shaq!

  20. Amonisis - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:47 PM

    Why don’t you have a seat over there?

  21. Beemusic - Aug 9, 2010 at 3:56 PM

    Way to Go Shaq!! It’s awesome to see a professional sports figure “step up to the plate” as a role model and spend time helping out children and those less fortunate. Keep up the good work and May God Bless You!

  22. JCJersey - Aug 9, 2010 at 4:07 PM

    Much love for you Shaq. The are our future.

  23. seadeejay - Aug 9, 2010 at 4:12 PM

    Please, no idiot comments regarding someone like Chris Hansen who has helped warn thousands of girls and their parents about this horrible crime on children. When it comes to brains, No doubt you came from the shallow end of the gene pool or maybe your one they just have not caught on to yet!Do yourself a favor and stop taking those mind-altering drugs that make you think about good people that way.

  24. Debbie Dunn - Aug 9, 2010 at 4:16 PM

    Makes me have a great amount of admiration for the Shaq! Thanks for doing this Mr. O’Neal!

  25. pete - Aug 9, 2010 at 4:44 PM

    So this excuses his years of extra marital transgressions against his wife Shanie Oneal? It’s nice we have role models like this to look up to for our kids.

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